"Clear."

- Zap! -

"... anything?"

So many thoughts.  

So many voices in my head, all vying for attention... if only they would settle down for a spell.  So much I want to say, but when I open my mouth, no words escape... 

"clear."

Why is this so hard? Thought sparks in the deep recess of my mind. Words are expressly chosen in a vain hope of  understanding. I open my mouth.  No words. Frantically, I struggle to retain the thought.  To that connection.  It is fruitless, as the inspiration fades like the memory of a dream, only to be replaced by another voice, another story, another feeling.  Another chance to connect, another opportunity missed. If only I could clear the voices, a moments peace.  If only I had the time.  If only I could rest, think... sleep. 

Just clear my mind.

"Clear.."

- Zap! -

...

- beep -

- beep -

- beep -

"We got 'em."

"where am I?"

"Vital signs are weak, but stable."

"That was a close one.  Welcome back."

If you're reading this, then thank you for your patience. I am about to test it again by displaying my amazing lack of brevity (as per usual).  If you are just interested in seeing pictures of Taylor please feel free to skip ahead.

Looking back to see the last installment dated October, 2010, I realize my usual apology and opening paragraph of excuses would not be sufficient for this occasion. Let's just say I've been struggling recently. Struggling with the usual inner demons referenced before on these pages.  This conflict has never proven a one-sided battle. Often, the demons gain the upper hand, and I revert to the tried and true response of withdrawal.  In addition, or as a result of, I've been struggling to find my voice in this space.  More than ever, I've been torn as to what exactly I desire this site to accomplish.

Not too bad was supposed to be my connection to people who cared what was going on in my world, or my mind.  It became a showcase for the wonderful little Taylor-tot.  It served as an outlet to express my thoughts, feelings and stories.  I was excited for the outlet, and this site became a substitute for therapy abandoned.  This was both exhilarating, and distressing. While expressing my thoughts (and feelings) was therapeutic, absence of a present audience made it a lonesome journey. With only my conscience as a companion, or to put it more aptly my self-conscious-ence, the journey often became sinister and perilous. I found refuge from the pitfalls of self-examination and criticism one frame at a time, editing movies of Taylor.

Taylor made a wonderful, sturdy shield. Effortlessly, and I must admit unwittingly, she assumed the mantel of Star.  Free from inspection, I slid behind the scenes to let the movies speak for me. Insulated by a blurry reality, meticulously constructed of music and video, the site became disjointed from my thoughts. Soon after the video shown above was made, my safety net failed.  My main computer's power supply came to an untimely demise, thereby rendering me unable to produce more video. Once again I was in the position of having to translate my thoughts verbally.  Only this time I could no longer find my voice.  Any attempt swiftly met with doubt and self-ridicule. My prose came across as caricature (in my minds eye).  Everything felt narcissistic, pretentious or worse yet, fake.

Events came and went as the calendar moved from month to month.  The holidays, experiences, trips, and even a birthday. Countless times blog posts were mentally planned only to wither before fruition. As the passage of time grew longer, the situation seemed more insurmountable.  There were a few people who always asked about the next blog post.  Never being pushy or demanding, just inquiring, perhaps an attempt to motivate. Every request was met with renewed sincere ambition to update.  Every ambition was quickly replaced with anxiety and eventually with inaction.  Well, that inaction has finally been beaten into submission.  It was not a quick beating, taking a little over two weeks from inception until the first word was typed.

My initial plan was to just post some select pictures taken over the last 9 months, caption with a quick descriptor paragraph and stamp it complete.  Update done, pictures posted, obligation met. Then I started writing and here we are (don't worry the pictures are still coming).  I'm still not exactly sure what I want Not Too Bad to encompass.  I'm still suffering a twinge of depression seasoned with an unhealthy obsession of past events, but I'm here to proclaim a resolution;  At minimum, I will keep this blog updated with pictures of Taylor-tot. If and when I ever get my main computer fixed, I will attempt to produce some more movies, but it's doubtful they will be timely.  In the time being, I may incorporate some short and simple clips, as I'd really love everyone to see her personality.

As for my personality?  That is the complicated part.  I really want to write, but the thought fills me with uneasiness.  I worry some subject matter, such as hunting or trapping, may not appeal to everyone or worse yet offend.  The stories also seem as almost an intrusion on Taylor updates.  I've toyed with having more than one blog.  One for Taylor updates, and one for stories.  And then there are feelings and emotion.  Part of me likes the honesty of discussing the contents of my mind, but often those thoughts aren't the most pleasant. And then I feel like I'm unloading on innocent folks who just wanted to stop by and see a picture of Taylor. Maybe I need three blogs.  One for Taylor updates, one for stories, and one to discuss how screwed up I am.  Anyway, those issues can be decided at a later date.  Feel free express your opinion, I could use the input.

But enough of that for now.  Let's get to the pictures

-------------------------

SuperT, able to melt hearts in a single bound

For Halloween,  Taylor donned the threads of a crime fighting super hero.  Her mission; Rid the neighborhood of stray treats. Unfortunately her mission was thwarted by her shyness in approaching those who possessed said treats. *breath* Her Arch-Nemesis-induced kryptonite struck again.  Back up support was provided by Mommy and Ms. Patty and justice prevailed in the end.  (The Arch-Nemesis lurked in the shadows, and took pictures)

"Quick! To the T-mobile!"

-------------------------

Rock Chalk, T-Hawk

Mommy and Taylor took a visit to Kansas City early in December.  A good bit of video was returned home to Florida.  I was working on a movie about Taylor and a piano when my computer went out of commission. When or if it's running again, one of my first goals will be to finish that project.

-------------------------

Can Rudolph Save Christmas?

Christmas was a low key affair this year.  Taylor was sick, spending much of the day either asleep or sitting in Mommy's lap, blanket at hand, paci in mouth. Therefore I didn't aqquire many quality pictures or video.  She did perk up a couple of times, once after opening her camera.  She became quite the shutter bug.  The majority of her pictures so far fall into the abstract category, but she starting to understand the concept.  I may try to post some of her pictures as time goes by.

Uh-oh, now I am going to be saying "Cheese"

-------------------------

Puzzles for Puzzling and Stickers for Sticking
These are a few of T's favorite things.

Once again, Easter provided ample opportunity to break out the point-n-click.  As last year, on Saturday we attended the Trinity Easter egg hunt. For a refresher and some pictures of the event last year see the post Aprils Fool  Or if you  really want some details (not sure why, but this ink is cheap) read about it in the local paper. Taylor still collected her eggs in the one of the younger areas, so filling the basket was not an issue. We met Grant and the Dungan Clan as the egg hunt was winding down, then proceeded to the bouncy house, Easter Bunny and Snow Cones.

Wow! What did you call this?  A Snow Cone??

A Bountiful Harvest

The Easter Bunny spies the Arch-Nemesis.

On Sunday, after church, I had a small photo-shoot with Taylor in the front yard wearing her Easter dress. Here is a small selection. 

Southern Belle in training?

She says "Cheese!" with so much conviction! 

I'm always partial to the profile.

I've fallen in love with this picture. - no caption required.

-------------------------

"Yeah, I got this."

In June the whole family traveled to Kansas City for Mimi and Papa's 50th anniversary celebration.  In following the trend, there is plenty of video footage just waiting to be edited. I may try to find a few short clips.  When we arrived at the KC airport Taylor once again proved just how big she is getting.  She insisted on pulling her own bag from the terminal to the car.  She made it the whole way.

Made it all the way. So Proud!

-------------------------

"Tch-eeeese!"

We stuck around the house for the 4th again this year.  Not sure if Taylor is quite ready for the noise of a full fledged fireworks display.  In lieu of the real thing, we set off some fountains and sparklers in the back yard.  The finale was pretty exciting (for a fountain).  I have some video and audio of her watching the fireworks.  I haven't given up on getting a clip or two up, but if I were to wait until it was ready, this post may not have been written.

Waving her flags pay-T-otically. 

-------------------------

A new addition to the family

Hate to end this blog on a cliff hanger, but this was one spot of news that I felt must be mentioned.  Unfortunately  (unless you are just waiting for the post to hurry up and end) I won't be able to go into more detail here, the subject deserves it's own introductory post  In the meantime, please welcome Luna.

Thick as thieves.